Anti-Twilight Much?

Ah, the Twilight wikipedia article. Here are MY reviews towards it. ^^
Opening:
Twilight is a series of fantasy/romance/horror novels by Stephenie Meyer. It follows the adventures of Isabella Swan, a teenager who moves to Forks, Washington and finds her life turned upside down when she falls in love with a vampire named Edward Cullen.

Me: When you categorize it as a "horror" novel, you mean because it's so horrible, right? Because sparkly vampires do not a horror novel make.

Plot:
Twilight

Isabella (Bella) Swan moves from Phoenix, Arizona to Forks, Washington to allow her mother, Renée, to travel with her new husband, Phil. After moving to Forks, Bella finds herself drawn to a mysterious boy, Edward Cullen, who turns out to be a 'vegetarian' vampire, (a vampire who drinks animal blood, as opposed to human blood). They fall in love, and must fight off a rival clan of vile vampires who want to drink Bella's blood. Bella escapes to Phoenix, Arizona where she is tricked into confronting James, an enemy vampire of the Cullens. Bella is severely hurt, but Edward and his family save her. After Bella recovers, she returns to Forks.

Me: Wikipedia manages to summarize what took Stephanie Meyers about 500 pages to write. Ah, yes, that's because they left out all the "zomg edward is sooooo hoooooootttttttt!!!!!!!!" rants that Bella goes on about every other page.

Plot 2:
New Moon

Edward and his family leave Forks, Washington, because of his belief that he is constantly endangering Bella's life by his presence. Bella falls into a deep depression for several months after he leaves, until she develops a strong friendship with werewolf Jacob Black. Jacob and the other werewolves in his village must protect her from Victoria, an evil vampire who intends to avenge the death of James, her mate, by killing Bella. A misunderstanding occurs, and Edward is lead to believe that Bella is dead. Edward decides to commit suicide in Volterra, Italy, but Bella stops him. They meet with the Volturi and are let go with the condition that Bella will be turned into a vampire. Once the Cullens return to Forks with Bella beside them, Jacob breaks his friendship with her because of the hate that vampires and werewolves have towards each other.

Me: .........uh, yeah, I'm definitely never reading that one. All I'm getting is "emo, emo, emo, emo, omg I need to DIE!!! D=" Which, y'know, would be cool, except that Bella's probably still going on about how hot Edward is.

Plot 3:
Eclipse

Bella is still being stalked by the vampire Victoria, who has amassed an army of "newborn" vampires. Meanwhile, Bella is forced to choose between her relationship with Edward and her friendship with Jacob. Edward's family of vampires and Jacob's pack of werewolves join forces to fight Victoria's army of vampires. Before the battle, Jacob tells Bella that he will join the fight with the intention of dying unless she kisses him. Bella accepts and, while kissing him, realizes that she loves Jacob, but not as much as she loves Edward. The battle then begins and Victoria and her army of vampires are destroyed. In the end, Bella chooses Edward's love over Jacob's, and Jacob is devastated to hear of Bella's choice and her decision to become a vampire.

Me: ...so Bella's now a whore, and Jacob's retarded, and Edward, once again, does nothing. Woo, we're in for some fun, folks!

Characters:

Isabella Marie Swan - The protagonist of the series, Bella is perpetually clumsy and somewhat of a "danger magnet". Her life turns upside down when she falls in love with vampire Edward Cullen. Eventually, her feelings for werewolf Jacob Black grow far beyond friendship, and she is forced to make a choice between her two loves. One important trait of Bella's is her immunity to supernatural abilities that involve the mind, such as Edward's mind reading. Bella is often portrayed as not valuing herself, nor can she seem to grasp Edward's love for her. Bella has dark brown hair and clear brown eyes.

Me: They forgot "Queen of Mary Sues"

Edward Anthony Masen Cullen - Edward is a reformed vampire who lives on animal blood instead of human blood. He lives with a clan of like-minded vampires known as the Cullen family. He loves Bella Swan, and feels great mutual dislike/revulsion towards Jacob Black due to both the love Jacob feels for Bella and the natural animosity between vampires and werewolves. Like some vampires, Edward has a supernatural ability; his gift is mind reading. He can read the thoughts of anyone within a few miles of himself; however, he can only read what the person is thinking at that moment. Bella is currently the only known individual who is immune to his power.

Me: Notice they mention nothing of his personality, or lack thereof.

Jacob Black - A minor character in the first novel, Jacob is introduced as a member of the Quileute tribe. He resurfaces in New Moon with a much larger role, becoming a werewolf and Bella's best friend as she is going through a depression and being hunted by Victoria. Although he is in with love Bella, she initially sees him as just her best friend. In Eclipse, Bella realizes that she loves Jacob as well; in fact, her love for Jacob is only eclipsed by her love of Edward Cullen.

Me: He might have been a good character if Meyers wasn't the one to write him.

Alice Cullen - One of Edward's adoptive sisters. She is described as "pixie-like", and her movement is noted to be very graceful. Her special ability is seeing the future as soon as someone makes the decision to head down that path. This ability is very useful, as it gives the family forewarning to any dangers. However, she cannot see the future of werewolves. She is married to Jasper Hale, who is her soul-mate, and she loves Bella as if she were her own sister.

Me: WTF? The only interesting character, and all you do is mention her relationships? That is bull, man. Pure bull.

More plot! Taken from Eddie's character bio.

Twilight

When Edward first meets Bella in Twilight he is overwhelmed by the scent of her blood, to the point of contemplating slaughtering Bella on the spot, along with twenty other schoolchildren to avoid any living witnesses.

Me: *sigh* That's so romantic!

To prevent calamity he temporarily runs away to Alaska, but eventually returns to Forks. Determined not to allow Bella to disrupt the life he and his family have created in Forks, Washington, Edward starts to converse with Bella in class. The day after his return, he risks exposing himself as inhuman by using his supernatural speed and strength to save Bella from being hit by a van. She witnesses his abilities and becomes suspicious, but Edward denies having done anything out of the ordinary.

Me: And of course she believes him because OMG HEZ HOT!!!!1111

The two become friends and eventually fall in love. On a trip to the La Push reservation, Bella learns from Jacob Black that the Cullen family is supposedly a coven of vampires who existed during his great-grandfather's time, and who feed on animal blood.

Me: And Jacob knows that because...?

Being with Edward is a lethal risk for Bella because he must always fight his desire for her blood. He constantly warns Bella against being with him, trying to instill in her a healthy fear for her life which he perceives as continually at risk if she continues to associate with him.

Me: Or he's secretly gay.

However, Bella's love and confidence in Edward's restraint is such that his warnings fall on deaf ears, even after his worst fears are justified when through her association with Edward and his family, Bella becomes the target of a "non-vegetarian" vampire, James. With his family's help, Edward is able to save Bella from James' predations, but the question of how to assure Bella's continued safety remains an open one.

Me: Oooh! Oooh! I know! Turn her into a freaking vampire so she's a little less useless!!!!

The story of New Moon begins with Bella being very upset by her 18th birthday, because it will make her "older" than the permanently 17-year-old Edward.

Me: ...are you freaking kidding me? Well I suppose that's just another reason Bella's anti-feminism. She can't EVER be a step ahead of the man of the house.

During her birthday party Bella accidentally cuts herself, and his brother Jasper's instinctive hunger for Bella's blood reminds Edward of the continual danger their relationship puts her in. In a misguided attempt to protect Bella, he convinces her that he does not love her anymore and moves away with his family, leaving her heartbroken as if her life as she knew it ceased to exist.

Me: So he's like, "Oh, yeah, that's right, I might eat her...whups, don't love her anymore!" And Bella, being the anti-feminist in every way, decides her life has absolutely no meaning now that Eddy-kins is gone, and will spend the rest of the book angsting over him.

Although Edward lived as a vampire without romantic love for nearly a century before meeting Bella, he finds it difficult to live without her, becoming severely depressed at the prospect of an infinitely long and meaningless life.

Me: Just one more example on why Edward Cullen is the most unrealistic person imaginable. Dude. NO GUY would be alone for 100 YEARS, unless he was a eunuch or a priest. ...and Cullen ain't no priest, if'n you know what I mean.

After he mistakenly learns from his sister Rosalie that Bella has committed suicide, Edward attempts to convince a group of Italian vampires, the Volturi, to kill him. Together with his sister Alice, Bella rushes to Italy and stops Edward before the Volturi can destroy him.

Me: For the love of God, the two of them are pathetic.

After he and Bella return from Italy, Edward explains why he left and apologizes to Bella. She forgives him entirely, and they continue on with their relationship as if Edward had never left.

Me: WTF!? SHOW SOME EFFING BACKBONE, BELLA! YOU ARE SUCH THE FREAKING DAMSEL IN DISTRESS!!!!

Upon realizing that their current situation– fear for Bella's humanity while they are together– is untenable, Bella successfully seeks the support of Edward's family for the idea of turning her into a vampire. Edward becomes furious at the thought of Bella losing her humanity in order to be with him, but later agrees to change her himself if she agrees to marry him first.

Me: There Meyers tries to be original. "Ooh, I'll have the GUY want marriage, while the GIRL wants sex! It's perfect!!!!" ...uh, no, it just kinda makes Cullen look even more like a eunuch.

Eclipse

Eclipse continues the drama of Bella and Edward's relationship.

Me: You mean "melodrama".

Edward explains that he is reluctant to change Bella into a vampire because he believes that vampires are soulless creatures who have no place in heaven. Bella, whose opinion of marriage is jaded by the early divorce of her own parents, agrees to marry Edward on the condition he will make love to her while she is still human. He initially refuses, saying that he could easily lose control in the heat of the moment, however, seeing how important it is to Bella, he agrees to try and make love to her while she is still human, but only after they are married.

Me: .........A boy refusing sex? I swear, he's a eunuch!

The plot is driven by the machinations of the vampire Victoria, who first met Bella and the Cullens during the first book, Twilight. Victoria, seeking revenge for the death of her mate James, is hunting Bella and creating new vampires to build an army. To combat this threat, a grudging truce is made between the Cullens and the Native-American werewolf pack led by Sam Uley and Jacob Black, a friend of Bella's who was there for her when Edward broke her heart. However, the truce is endangered when Bella, despite her engagement to Edward, realizes Jacob means more to her than she thought. Ultimately, Edward accepts that Bella cares for Jacob and successfully destroys Victoria, and Bella acknowledges that Edward is the most important person in her life, agreeing to tell her father of her and Edward's engagement. Edward tells Bella that they can sleep together before they get married, as he realizes that she spends too much of her life trying to please other people. However, she refuses his offer and says that she will do everything the right way: marriage, making love, and then becoming a vampire.

Me: Will she make up her effing mind already!?

Breaking Dawn

Little is said about Edward in the exclusive preview of Breaking Dawn that was recently released. It is known that he bought Bella an expensive Mercedes Guardian sports car that "isn't even available in the United States yet" and is supposedly missile-proof, after her ancient Chevy truck finally died. He and Bella have told both of her parents of their engagement, and they each approve. Also, his sister Alice is busy making preparations the wedding, which is only a few days away.

Me: ...are. You. Effing. Kidding. Me. That's pretty much proof that these books are just Meyer's fantasies. MISSILE PROOF????

Eddie-kins's physical appearance!

Like all the vampires in the Twilight series, Edward is described by Bella as being impossibly beautiful. At various points in the series, she compares him to the mythical Greek god Adonis.

Me: And by "various", you mean "every other freaking sentence because Meyers wants to draw it out as long as possible so the books will cost more."

His skin is "like marble"– very pale, ice cold, and sparkles in the sunlight like diamonds. She describes his facial features as being perfect and angular - high cheekbones, strong jawline, a straight nose, and beautiful, full lips. His hair, which is always in casual disarray, retains the unusual bronze shade that he inherited in his human life from his biological mother. His eyes, once emerald green, are now described as a liquid, golden topaz. His fingers are described often as slender and he is said to have a dazzlingly crooked smile. His appearance changes if he goes long without feeding: his eyes darken, becoming almost black, and purple bruises appear beneath his eyes. Edward stands at 6'2", and has a slender but muscular build.

Me: But of course, he doesn't go for some beautiful model, even though he's so perfect he could get any girl ever! Oh, no, he goes with Miss Nobody McMarysue, who has no conversational skills and can't take two steps without falling. Right. Got it. Makes total sense, guys.

Romantic relationships

Bella Swan

Bella Swan is Edward's first and only girlfriend, though they generally use the term "soul mates."

Me: WHAT!? HE'S A EUNUCH, I TELL YOU! A FREAKING EUNUCH!!!!!

Edward has a strong attraction to Bella's blood, making it extremely difficult for him to even be in her presence. Early on in Twilight, Edward struggled to stay away from Bella in an attempt to protect her, but he eventually fell in love with her despite his apprehensions. For this reason Edward sees himself as selfish, knowing that he should stay away from Bella for her safety but not being able to bring himself to do it. As much as he loves her, Edward is adverse to changing Bella into a vampire, despite her strong desire to become one, because of his belief that vampires are damned and soulless creatures. However, in Eclipse he agrees to do so after they are married, and she eventually accepts his proposal.

Me: Omg that ish so romantic dat he wantz 2 eat her so badly!!!!!1111 Me want an Edward Cullen!!!111
!@#$ing fangirls.

Rosalie Hale

Rosalie Hale was changed into a vampire by Carlisle Cullen after he found her near death in the street. She has blonde hair and is described as the most beautiful woman in the world.

Me: Oh, y'know, apart from Bella, of course. And Alice, and every other vampire girl who comes into the series. And possible vampire boys.

Carlisle had originally hoped that she would be a daughter to him and a romantic companion for Edward. However, their feelings for each other remained those of loyal siblings, and Rosalie eventually fell in love with Emmett Cullen instead.

Me: Awwww, it's a happy ending, cause Meyers sucks at writing conflict. Awwww.

Tanya

Tanya is a strawberry-blonde vampire who lives in Denali, Alaska with her family, the only other known group of vampires who, like the Cullens, have chosen not to feed on the blood of human beings. She expressed an interest in Edward when they first met, but he turned her down in a characteristically gentlemanly way. Edward later tells Bella that Tanya poses no threat to their relationship, teasing Bella that he prefers brunettes.

Me: Making him even more perfect, since most obsessive fantards are brunettes.

Vampiric traits

Edward, like all vampires in the Twilight series, possesses superhuman beauty, strength, speed, endurance, and agility.

Me: Well, of course. If he wasn't BEAUTIFUL, the story couldn't possibly have ANY romance, could it?

His scent and voice are enormously seductive, so much so that he occasionally sends Bella into a pliant daze entirely by accident.

Me:...what...the...@#!$.

In Twilight, Edward explains that like other vampires, he does not need to breathe, though he chooses to do so out of habit and because it is helpful to smell his environment.

Me: Um...okaaaaay...

He cannot digest regular food, and compares its attractiveness for him to the prospect of eating dirt for a regular person. As well, like other vampires, Edward is not able to sleep.

Me: Inspiring stupid lines like, "If I could sleep, I'd dream of you." Whatever, more proof that he's a eunuch, because boys can have "dreams" about girls without actually sleeping...you know what I mean.

In addition to the traits he shares with his fellow vampires, Edward has certain abilities that are his alone. He is the fastest of the Cullens, able to outrun any of them. Perhaps as a result of a talent for empathy in his human life, Edward can also read the mind of anyone within a few miles of himself; Bella is the sole exception to this rule, which Meyer has stated is due to Bella having a very private mind. Edward also retains some of the traditional mindset and dated patterns of speech from his early-20th century human life.

Me: Mm-hm, fascinating. Basically Meyers can't come up with a decent plot, so she spends all the time describing the characters. Great.

Personality and traits

Edward is described in the book and by Bella as being charming, polite, determined, and very stubborn. He is very protective over Bella and puts her safety, humanity and welfare before anything else. He often over-analyzes situations and has a tendency to overreact, especially in situations where Bella's safety is at risk. He retains some outdated speech from his human life in the early 20th century, and can be very romantic.

Me: You forgot "stalker, eunuch, result of fantasy,", and of course, you forgot "love machine."

Edward is also musical, able to play the piano like a virtuoso.

Me: Well that's not idealistic at all.

He enjoys a wide range of music, including classical, jazz, progressive metal, alternative rock, punk rock, but dislikes country. He prefers indie rock to mainstream, and appreciates rock and classical music equally. He once mentioned that he likes music in the fifties better than the sixties, and dislikes the seventies entirely.

Me: That's WONDERFUL to know. How many pages did it take to cover this? Probably at least 30, because every sentence would have a description of Edward's hotness in between.

A hobby of Edward's is collecting cars.

Me: Rich @#!$ard.

He owns a Volvo S60 R and an Aston Martin V12 Vanquish as a "special occasion" car. He also gave his sister Alice a Porsche 911 Turbo as a gift in Eclipse. He bought a motorcycle to ride alongside Bella, but gave it to Jasper after Bella didn't believe she could keep up with Edward's bike.

Me: He could have spent all that money on charity, you know. @#!$ard.

Oh yayz onto Bella!!!!

At the start of the first book, Bella's mother has recently married Phil Dwyer, a minor league baseball player who is much younger than herself. Phil travels a lot due to his profession, and Bella notices how much her mother wants to be with him while he travels. So, to make it easier for them, Bella moves back to her birthtown of Forks, Washington, to live with her father Charlie Swan. She enrolls at Forks High School and notices that the boys there are immediately attracted to her, although she dismisses their advances. She makes a few new friends, including Jessica Stanley, Angela Weber, and Mike Newton.

Me: >cough cough total Mary Sue cough cough Stephanie's ideal high school situation cough cough no one would like Bella in the real world because she's such a loser<

The one group of people at Forks High School that truly intrigues Bella are the Cullens, a mysterious family consisting of five adopted children. Edward Cullen, in particular, captures her attention.

Me: Because they're beautiful, of course. Way to teach kids that looks are all that matter, Meyers.

As the story progresses, Bella finds out from a family friend, Jacob Black, that the Cullens are supposedly vampires. However, they are different from other vampires in that they are "vegetarian"– that is, they substitute animal blood for human blood, refusing to hunt humans.

Me: Lame. Lame. Lame. Lame. The whole POINT of a vampire story is that you get to watch blood sucking! !@$# it, it's cool!!!!

As Edward and Bella get to know each other better, it is hard for Edward to be near her, because he feels a particular draw to the scent of her blood. Although he does not drink human blood, Edward constantly lusts for it, and Bella's blood is especially tantalizing for him. He must constantly control his desire. He also finds that his mind reading capabilities do not work on her.

Me: He'd be less of a eunuch if he felt lust for her BODY, not for her VEINS.

Eventually, the two grow closer and declare their love for one another. Edward introduces her to his family, and soon after she is invited to watch their baseball game.

Me:......why?

During the game, danger reveals itself in the form of a visiting vampire coven consisting of Laurent, Victoria, and James. Victoria's mate, James, is a sadistic tracker vampire who has set his sights on killing Bella.

Me: Wow, finally, a plot device that isn't retarded!

He tricks her into confronting him alone, and the Cullen family must rush to Bella's aid. They destroy James before he can kill her, though the other vampires of his coven, Victoria and Laurent, survive. Bella spends time in a hospital with Edward constantly by her side, where he admits that his sister Alice saw a vision of Bella becoming a vampire. However, he is determined to keep her human, despite her own determination to become a vampire. The reasons behind his intentions are revealed in New Moon.

Me: The reasons behind his intentions must be that he wants her to die before she finds out he's a eunuch. Just kidding, I'm sure they're MUCH stupider than that!!!

At the end of the novel, Edward takes Bella to their prom, despite her broken leg and angry protests. There are high levels of tension as the book ends, caused by Edward and Bella's differences of opinion about turning Bella into a vampire.

Me: Zomg yay prom! How romantick!!!!!1

Physical appearance

Bella is described as having a very pale complexion with long, straight, brown hair and wide chocolate brown eyes. Beyond this information, a detailed description of Bella's appearance is never given in the series. Stephenie Meyer explains that this is because she wanted her readers to "step into Bella's shoes" more easily.

Me: It's impossible to feel empathy for her; she has the most unrealistic life ever! And I don't mean because there are vampires, I mean because everyone loves her for NO REASON.

However, she has provided a more detailed description of her own interpretation of Bella on her website: she has a heart-shaped face, a widow's peak, a thin nose, and a narrow jaw with a pointed chin and full lips. Her fingernails are stubby, as she has a nervous habit of biting them. She stands at 5'4" and weighs about 110-115 pounds.

Me: ...some of that seemed really similar to Edward's description to me...

Bella also has a small crescent-shaped scar on her hand where she was bitten by James, a tracker vampire, in Twilight. The scar is described as being pale, always a few degrees colder than the rest of her body, and shines like a vampire's skin when in the sunlight.

Me: Zomg yay sparkles!!!!!1

Personality and traits

Bella is described as being exceptionally clumsy, dropping and tripping over everything in sight. She cares deeply for Edward, the rest of the Cullen family, her father Charlie and mother Renée, and her best friend Jacob Black. She hates dressing up, saying that makeup "is a pain" and that she feels uncomfortable in unpractical, elegant clothes. She has a very private mind, which is thought to be why Edward is unable to see her thoughts, and she is determined to become a vampire.

Me: Why?

She is also said to be a terrible liar, but demonstrates good acting ability in Twilight when she makes her father believe that she has dumped Edward and is leaving Forks. She also gets faint at the sight or smell of blood, as demonstrated in Twilight.

Me: Again, why the !@#$ would she want to become a vampire then?

She has a very dry sense of humor, fairly intelligent,

Me: Yeah, uh, NO.

understanding, caring and has very low self esteem. Stephenie Meyer has stated that Bella's "tragic flaw" is her lack of self-knowledge.

Me: No, her tragic flaw is that she has no personality, and yet for some reason everyone loves her.

This is most obviously illustrated in her consistent denial of any romantic feelings for Jacob Black in Eclipse, despite the fact that she later realizes she is, indeed, in love with him.

Me: Whore.

Romantic relationships

Edward Cullen

Bella's first and only boyfriend is Edward Cullen, a vampire who has renounced drinking the blood of humans.

Me: So wait...they marry their first loves? Just another example on why this book series is so !@#$ unrealistic.

She loves him unconditionally and believes Edward to be absolutely perfect, and does not consider herself worthy of his love. She often describes him as god-like in appearance, and hopes that by becoming a vampire she will become beautiful and graceful like him and his family, the Cullens. Edward disapproves of this and always reassures her that she is more than worthy, and has his heart.

Me: Because beauty is all that matters.

Edward proposes to Bella in New Moon and she eventually accepts in Eclipse, looking down on the prospect of marriage but not entirely opposed to it. As part of a deal with Edward, she promises to marry him if he promises to make love to her and then change her into a vampire. She sees this as the only part of the marriage to look forward to.

Me: Screw lifelong happiness, the joy of children, and the wonderful memories they'll make--Bella wants SEX!

In the exclusive first sneak preview of Breaking Dawn, the book opens with Bella still engaged to Edward with their wedding only days away.

Me: Zomg!!!!

Jacob Black

Jacob Black, a Quileute and the son of Charlie Swan's friend, Billy Black, also loves Bella and spends a lot of time with her during the period of Edward's absence. While Edward was away, Bella found that Jacob's presence soothed the "hole" in her chest that resulted from Edward leaving her. Being around Jacob brought a measure of happiness back to Bella's life, though he was unable to replace Edward fully.

Me: Because he wasn't pretty enough, of course.

Bella felt that Jacob was a good friend, and that he was her own "personal little sun" which would beam happiness in every direction wherever he went. When Jacob underwent his transformation into a werewolf, it put a distance in their friendship.

Me: Because werewolves aren't as pretty as eunuch vampires, of course.

In Eclipse, Jacob acts upon his romantic feelings for Bella, and tries to convince her to leave Edward for him. Jacob thinks that, since he is more human than Edward, he will be safer for Bella to have a relationship with. Edward sees this, but is still willing to fight for her.

Me: Edward needs to pick an opinion too. NOW he decides the non-human is better for Bella than the sort-of-human?

Jacob forcefully kisses Bella, resulting in her punching him and breaking her hand almost ending their friendship. Nevertheless, Jacob overhears that Bella and Edward are engaged and makes Bella kiss him, saying that if she doesn't he will risk his life. She does so, and realizes that she is in love with Jacob but that her love for Edward is greater. She tells him that she loves him, and he says that he wishes it was enough.

Me: ...whore.

Mike Newton

Mike Newton is a generically popular boy at Bella's new high school who is instantly attracted to Bella.

Me: WHY!?

He is friendly and Bella thinks he possesses traits like a golden retriever: his happiness and loyalty in walking her to class and speaking with her every day. Mike frequently tries to ask Bella out, but she always declines. In New Moon, after a movie date with Bella, Jacob and Mike, Mike has seemingly given up on Bella, and tells her that "girls are cruel". Mike develops a new romantic relationship with Jessica Stanley when he accepts that Edward is Bella's boyfriend.

Me: Lucky you, Jessica, you get to be his rebound girl! Aren't you happy?

In New Moon, Bella tries to rekindle their friendship after four months of 'being a zombie' after the Cullens leave Forks. Mike becomes her friend again, although not with the same enthusiasm and also never forgets his fondness of Bella.

Me: WHY!?

Tyler Crowley

After nearly killing Bella in a car accident, Tyler feels obligated to make things even. He unsuccessfully asks Bella out to the turnabout dance. After Bella declines, insisting that she must go to Seattle that day, he insists on taking her to prom. He tells the whole school and convinces most of the students that he is taking Bella to prom, much to her annoyance. He shows up at Bella's house on prom night, only to be told over the phone by Edward that she would be unavailable every night as far as anyone but himself was concerned.

Me: Meyers must have been a sexually depressed teenager.

Eric Yorkie

Eric, like Mike Newton, immediately took an interest in Bella when she arrived in Forks. Bella described him as being the "overly eager" chess club type, and he was one of the three boys (Mike, Tyler and himself) who asked Bella to the spring dance, though she declined all three. He develops a rivalry with Mike Newton, and later a dislike for Tyler as well. His friendship sways and mostly falls after Bella goes through a depression in the absence of Edward and the rest of the Cullen family.

Me: Of course she couldn't consider going out with him, because he is a nerd and nerds are lame. Oh...WAIT A MINUTE! HALF THE FREAKING FANTARDS OF THIS BOOK ARE LAME! ZOMG!!!!! :0

And Breaking Dawn:

Book One

As the book opens, Bella is driving a Mercedes Guardian that Edward has bought to protect her from her propensity for getting into trouble.

Me: Because cars=good relationships.

After informing Bella's parents of their engagement, Bella and Edward marry in a traditional wedding ceremony. The wedding has a minor disturbance during a confrontation between Jacob, Bella and Edward. Not wanting to spoil her wedding day, Bella puts aside her disappointment in Jacob's unpleasantness.

Me: It's not like he's her friend or anything, so why should his opnion matter, right? =D

Edward and Bella soon depart for their honeymoon off the coast of Brazil. Edward then fulfills Bella's wish and makes love to her. The next day they argue because Edward's passionate lovemaking leaves dark bruises all over Bella's body.

Me: Lyke, oh noes. It's not like he told her something like this would happen.

Meanwhile, she has a recurrent dream of a small, green-eyed boy that she feels compelled to protect. Bella also finds herself constantly hungry and sick. Upon seeing a box of unused tampons in her suitcase, she realizes that her period is late and she is pregnant.

Me: ...Well that was creepily fast.

Though Bella has not longed for a child, she becomes immediately attached to her baby when she becomes aware of its existence.

Me: What? That's retarded. Bella, will you EVER make up your frigging mind in ANY of these books?

Edward, however, is only concerned for her health, and after hearing stories from a local woman (who suspects that Edward is a vampire) of similar situations that resulted in the mothers' deaths, Edward wants to be rid of the baby. Book one ends as Edward prepares to bring Bella home where he says that Carlisle will "take care of it," and as Bella secretly calls Rosalie for help.

Me: BELLA'S DOING SOMETHING AGAINST EDDY'S WISHES?????? HOLY CRAP!!!!!!

[edit] Book Two

The book is told from Jacob's perspective.

Me: YAAAAAAAAAY AWAY FROM BELLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He receives news of Edward and Bella's return, and that Carlisle has told Charlie that Bella is quarantined because she has contracted a rare disease in South America.

Me: Crap, already back to Bella.

Jacob assumes that Bella has been bitten and transformed. He is upset when Sam Uley, acting Alpha of the pack, declares that the pack will not retaliate. Jacob, full of anger, decides that if the pack will not retaliate collectively, he will act singly. Formulating strategies of attack, he runs to the Cullen house. When he arrives, however, he discovers that things aren't as he expected. Bella, as opposed to being a newborn vampire, is already heavily pregnant with Edward's child. It is clear that the child's rapid growth is starving Bella.

Me: Please let it kill her, please let it kill her, please let it kill her...

When Jacob returns his wolf state, his thoughts inadvertently inform the pact of Bella's state. This causes fear and anger among the werewolves; they don't know how the child might act since the child is an offspring of a vampire. Sam commands the pack in the double-timbre of the Alpha, to obey his decision to destroy Bella and her unborn child.

Me: YES!

Jacob, who still loves Bella, disagrees, revolts, assumes his inherited Alpha position and leaves Sam's pack.

Me: NO!

Seth, then Leah Clearwater, soon join Jacob and the threesome

Me: Hehe.

form a pack with Jacob as Alpha. Jacob, Leah and Seth patrol the Cullen territory to forewarn the family of any impending werewolf attack.

Me: Cause they'll totally believe you.

As the fetus continues to develop at an alarmingly accelerated rate, Bella's health worsens. During Bella's pregnancy, Edward realizes he can read the child's mind, and is astonished to discover that the baby already loves Bella.

Me: Well, Eddy, EVERYONE loves Bella. A Mary Sue is SUPPOSED to be universally loved.

As he hears his child's thoughts, Edward begins to love the baby as well. This leaves Jacob feeling betrayed, as he was counting on Edward to hate the baby more than he.

Me: "Stupid babies. THEY RUIN EVERYTHING!" And so of course Edward is once again the good guy and Jacob is made to look like a jerk. How shocking and unexpected.

Bella goes into labor approximately a month after the honeymoon. The hard placenta that surrounds the child cracks; Bella begins vomiting blood. The child breaks free and Bella is very near death.

Me: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward delivers the baby, a girl, and begins to transform Bella into a vampire. He injects his venom into her heart and bites her in several places. Believing that Bella is dead, Jacob leaves the room and goes on a rampage to find the baby whom he holds responsible. He finds her in Rosalie's arms and looks into the baby's eyes. They are exactly the same shade of brown as Bella's. Jacob imprints on her.

Me: That's TOTALLY not creepy.

[edit] Book Three

The book returns to Bella's perspective.

Me: NO!!!!!!!!!! SHE'S ALIVE AND WE HAVE TO LISTEN TO HER AGAIN????

She has just given birth to her daughter, and is now experiencing the painful transformation from human to vampire. After three days, she opens her eyes. The Cullens are wary of Bella as newborn-vampires are volatile. Yet, Bella manages to exhibit some self-control unseen in most newborns.

Me: Because, as you will see in every Twilight book, Bella. Is. Perfect. =D

She wishes to see her daughter, Renesmee,

Me: What. The. !@#$.

but since Renesmee is part-human, the family believes Bella will be unable to control her newborn thirst if she sees the child so soon without first hunting. Edward takes Bella on her first hunt to ease her thirst. Before they leave, Alice shows Bella her reflection. She has transformed into a stunningly beautiful woman with flawless skin and newborn-vampire red eyes.

Me: Because as long as everyone's BEAUTIFUL, the story will end happily!!!

Upon returning, Bella is allowed to see her daughter because of her demonstration of self-control in the woods. Because Renesmee is growing at an astonishing rate, she looks older than her calendar age. Bella learns of Renesmee's gift - the ability to communicate by sending images to people's minds through touch. Bella is infuriated when she learns that Jacob has imprinted on Renesmee, and says it is his fault that he has imprinted on her child. She loses her self-control and she tries to attack Jacob. She breaks Seth's collarbone and shoulder when he steps between the two. She then manages to calm down. Renesmee leads to a truce between the Quilleutes and the Cullens because of Jacob's imprinting. Differences between Sam and Jacob's packs are soon settled as well and they become co-existent Alphas.

Me: Bella, why are you angry? What, you think he won't be a good lovah? I think he will. Or are you just mad that Renewhatever has been imprinted upon by someone who ISN'T PERFECT!??? ZOMG!!!!!!

Unfortunately for the Cullen family, Irina, a vampire from the Denali clan, sees Renesmee and mistakenly informs the Volturi that Renesmee is a forbidden immortal child. The Cullen family understands that Irina is mistaken and decides the only way to enlighten the Volturi and prevent an attack is to present Renesmee with a large group of credible witnesses.

Me: -monotone- Oh no. Whatever will befall our heroes?

After leaving a note with Sam Uley from the copyright page of Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice, Alice and Jasper suddenly leave the Cullens. Since the couple does not provide a warning or reason, the Cullen family does not know why the couple has fled, and assumes that Alice has foreseen there is no hope for the situation. Since it was her copy of the book, Bella perceives this as a sign from Alice. She returns to the cottage and she finds that Alice has written a name and address on another page of the book. When Bella goes to the address, she finds that it leads to the office of a lawyer who can forge documents. Bella requests documents for Jacob and Renesmee, should they need to escape if a fight ensues with the Volturi. Meanwhile, nomadic, vegetarian, and clans of vampires arrive at the Cullen estate after the family begins to seek their friends' assistance with the Volturi. Most of them are enthralled by Renesemee, and almost all agree to bear witness to the Volturi that she is not an immortal child.

Me: Y'know what? I don't even frigging care. This is ridiculous. Why are they so freaking willing!?

Bella also discovers that her power of mind-privacy has a shielding effect and she wonders if she can extend this protection to others. During the month of preparation for the Volturi, several of the vampires with quantifiable supernatural talents teach Bella how to expand the barrier. When the Volturi and Irina finally arrive, all of the vampires and the werewolves meet in a clearing in the forest. The Volturi discover that they have been misinformed and immediately execute Irina for her mistake. However, the Volturi are not satisfied to leave because the Volturi leaders want the exceptionally gifted vampires to join them. Those on Bella's side are protected when Bella's shield disables the Volturi's offensive fighters, Alec and Jane. Aro, Caius and Marcus decide to vote on whether or not Renesmee will be a danger to the vampire world when she attains maturity. Just before Aro can cast his deciding vote, Alice and Jasper return with another half-human, half-vampire from South America who is about one hundred fifty years-old. He and his three half-sisters (who are also half-vampire, half-human) are the children of a vampire who is creating a "super race." They have never caused any danger to the vampire world. Facing no other choice, Aro chooses to give up the fight, and the Volturi flee.

Me: I still don't care.

After leaving the Cullen estate for their cottage, Bella and Edward tuck Renesmee into her bed and proceed to their bedroom arm-in-arm. Bella tells Edward she wants to try something with him. She has been secretly practicing for this moment. Bella places her hands on his cheeks and tries to push away her shield. She conjures her special memories that she wants to share with Edward. He is finally able to see for the first time just how deeply she has always loved him. She wants to remove the barrier for Edward so he can access her mind. She says that they have only forever for her to perfect it. The Twilight Series closes with "And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever."

Me: Awwwww...for the love of God, just say, "And me and Sparkly Gary Stu lived happily ever after and never had any problems because we're so perfect. THE END! =D =D =D"

Twilight is not the new Harry Potter